An Amish family were travelling through a city in their horse and cart when Ma decided she needed a toilet stop at a large five-star hotel. “Awww, Ma, not in the big city with all them fancy gadgets”, drawled Pa, who hated technology and crowds. “When ya gotta go, Pa, ya gotta go,” she replied.
He reluctantly waited in the foyer with his children after ‘parking’ outside and was momentarily dazzled by the marble interior of the fancy hotel foyer until something caught his eye. He watched a small elderly woman enter an elevator, saw lights overhead and then the doors opened. Out stepped a tall and stunning twenty-something-year-old blonde.
“Quick kids,” said Pa, “go find your mother.”
A lady was up on charges of theft before a judge who asked her what she stole.
“A can of peaches,” came the response.
The judge asked, “Why did you do it?”
After telling him that she was simply hungry, the judge wanted to know how many peaches were in the can. The woman thought about it a moment and said, “Altogether, six.”
The judge then gave his pronouncement. “Six peaches? Then I’m going to sentence you to jail for six days.”
The woman’s husband leapt to his feet beside her and insisted on saying something on behalf of his wife.
“Yes,” the judge motioned abruptly, “What is it?”
The man replied, “She also stole a can of peas.”
A boy walks out of a shop showing off a Mars Bar he has stuffed into his pocket. He brags about stealing it and taunts a younger kid from school to do the same.
The junior succumbs to the pressure, but figures out a way to escape the predicament and stay in the good books. He goes in and steals a Mars Bar, too. He opens it and stuffs it in his mouth before anyone can intervene.
“Hey, you!” the shopkeeper growls. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“It’s OK,” says the younger kid. “I’m just doing some magic.”
Waving his hand and snapping his fingers, he exclaims, “You will now find that the Mars Bar has miraculously transferred to the pocket of my friend here!”
An elderly man was driving down the freeway when his mobile phone rang.
It was his wife, who spoke with some urgency, saying, “I just heard on the radio that there is a car travelling the wrong way down the freeway you are on. Please take care.”
“Are you kidding?” Her husband continued, “It’s not just one car, there’s hundreds of them!”
A couple went shopping and had a long list of items to buy. Fred was often wandering off, looking at gadgets and other things that interested him, so it was no surprise when he disappeared for a while. His wife started to get increasingly upset, though, because she needed Fred’s help so she called him on his mobile.
He answered with, “You know that jewellery store where you loved those diamond earrings when we first met, and how I couldn’t afford them, so I said I buy them for you one day?”
Fred’s wife choked up and was fighting back tears. “Yes, of course I remember, Fred,” she said.
He continued, “Well I’m in the betting shop next door.”
A priest and a pastor were discussing the merits of their traditions when a rabbi stumbled into the conversation and told them they were both on the wrong track. After deciding that they all needed a contest to prove the power of their beliefs, they settled on the difficult challenge of the conversion of a bear in the nearby woods, after which they would compare their experiences.
A young minister about to deliver his first sermon asked an experienced preacher for advice on how to capture the congregation’s attention. “Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the older man said. “For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife.’ ”